“No Matter What” : the Song of the Kipper
An EU monologue
24 June, 2016
When I woke this morning, I felt it. It were weird at the start because I didn’t know what it were. How can you, when you’ve never felt it before? It helped it were sunny, don’t get me wrong. Not that I’m talking new dawns or any of that bollocks. He’s a twat, in’t he? Farage. I mean, they’re all twats, don’t get me wrong, but he even looks like one. You probably think yours are better than ours, but at least our twats won. Which just goes to show, don’t it?
Your lot, you probably told yourselves, you’re always telling yourselves, we don’t know what we’ve done. That, deep down, I can’t even make up my own mind. Me, a grown man. People like you, you’re so wrapped up in your own little world you don’t even know where you are. You’ve all convinced yourself, somehow, this country we live in, it don’t exist. Which is weird. Because where else are you? This is Britain. We’ve been telling you for years. You just haven’t been listening. All this time, you’ve been saying, oh, we’re all the same, it’s all just cultural. But we’re not, are we? We don’t just spring up like flat-pack people out of eggs, ready to buy houses and drink coffee. We don’t come out of nowhere. Some cultures, and I know this is news to you, but some cultures, they’re better than others, aren’t they? They’d have to be. It’s obvious. They can’t all be equally good.
Have you noticed that? How what you say, it don’t make sense any more. Like, a woman getting up in the morning and putting a sack cloth over her face. How is that a good thing? But her putting on nothing, that’s a good thing too? Make your minds up, you know what I mean? Actually, don’t even get me started on men and women. We’d be here all day.
But your lot, it’s like you just stopped believing in things. Then decided that that didn’t matter. Only it does. I think you get that a little bit now. All that EU stuff, three hundred and fifty million. It weren’t about that. It never were. Do you see? It were about Britain. About Britain mattering. And you can call me a Nazi or a fascist if you want because that don’t matter no more. Your lot, you didn’t just lose a vote. You lost a place you didn’t even know you lived in. Your country where everyone’s the same, even though they’re not. Where we’re all equal, even though we aren’t. Where men can be women and women men just because you say so, but both can be neither too because it don’t matter anyway because you said it doesn’t matter. That fairyland you were living in? Where black were white and up were down and two and two equaled whatever weren’t offensive? That place’s gone. As of today, you live in Britain. Britain that exists and no can say otherwise. Britain that’s always been here and always will be. Britain that’s real and matters and means something and that isn’t just whoever comes here and stays here.
That feeling this morning? It were pride. But you don’t get that either, do you?
See also:
Divided Britain: how the EU referendum exposed Britain’s new culture war
I Want My Country Back